Monday, September 19, 2011

Worst Movies Ever - Alex J. Cavanaugh Blogfest

A big thanks to Alex for hosting the blogfest!
As most of us bloggers know there are is a plethora of bad movies out there.  One would dare to say that there are more bad movies than good ones, which is why the good ones stand out so much. However, most bad movies have some redeemable quality: good effects, acting, action, visuals, etc. The movies I've listed below are completely beyond redemption, in my humble opinion.

The Gas-X is on the table.
10.  Dreamcatcher - I remember being excited about this movie...and then I saw it.  Boy, oh boy was this a bad movie.  Lawrence Kasdan, who previously directed Grand Canyon, is responsible for the mess that is Dreamcatcher.  It was like a hodge podge of Stephen King movies all jammed into one bad rendition: a cup of Stand By Me, a pinch of The Mist, a smidge of The Dead Zone, and a whole lot of "It."  Unfortunately the movie takes the combination of some really good films and makes one big awful one.  The film was officially over for me when the aliens started coming out of peoples poop shoot.  Enough was enough.


Is this movie as terrible as they say?  Why yes, it is.
9.  The Happening - Who can take a neat concept and screw it up?  M. Night Shyamalan-a-ding-dong of course.  From what I've heard The Last Airbender is even worse, however, I haven't actually seen that movie so I don't feel right about adding it to my list.  Starring Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel, The Happening is about the earth emitting a neuro toxin through plants, which makes people kill themselves in the most interesting ways they can think of.  Killer house plants?  Really?  

Unfortunately for my namesake all that glitters is NOT gold.
8.  Glitter - I'm sorry to have to mention my namesake Mariah Carey, but I must. Glitter was an atrocity.  Thankfully, Mariah has since recovered musically and otherwise. She completely redeemed herself in Precious. I can't say the same for most of the folks on this list.

Perhaps this has all been a ploy to make women choose even 'trampier' Halloween costumes?
7.  Catwoman - Oh Halle, beautiful Halle.  Some may disagree with me, but I think Halle would have made a great Catwoman, similar to Eartha Kitt, had she had a different script and especially a different costume.  Whomever designed that costume should be forced to wear that horrid outfit everyday until the pleather straps disintegrate around them.  The plot was oh so bizarre: Catwoman versus deadly face-cream?  Come on.

Bat power!
6.  Batman and Robin - I have never actually walked out of a movie, however, I have come close to walking out on two movies.  Batman and Robin being one and the second one being Alien v. Predator: RequiemJoel Schumacher's sickeningly colorful world of Batman was supposed to hearken back to the television show. Ok, interesting idea and it worked in Schumacher's first attempt with Batman Forever, but it went down the tubes with Batman and Robin. To think that a mainstream director could make such an awful movie boggles my mind. Perhaps Schumacher's battles with Val Kilmer on the Batman Forever set made that film marginally better. Who knows? All I know is that the neon-drenched world of Batman created by Joel Schumacher almost completely destroyed the franchise.  Lest we forget the bat-nipples on the costume. At least George Clooney was honest about how bad this movie was, which makes me like him.  Thank goodness for Christopher Nolan.

Flashdance this was NOT.  
5.  Showgirls - Poor Elizabeth Berkley.  This movie was the beginning and the end of her career.  She has since gotten some television work and has guest-starred on several hit shows, but she's never had a starring role in another feature film.  I guess it's just hard to take someone seriously after a movie like this.  I'm not sure how some of the other actors came out unscathed, but it didn't seem to affect Kyle MacLachlan and Gina Gershon.

Christian Slater and Tara Reid = blockbuster
4.  Alone in the Dark - A worst movies ever list is nothing without Uwe Boll.  Alone in the Dark is completely plotless and unbelievably bad, but you have to give Uwe credit.  Somehow he's able to continually make terrible movies and get away with it, only to make even more terrible movies.  How does he manage it?  Unlike Relic or Trilogy of Terror, Uwe doesn't know how to make a monster-in-a-museum movie.  Like most Uwe films, I believe this movie is based on a video game.  The monsters are interesting, but we've seen them a million times before.  Lest we forget the acting was terrible.  Tara Reid as a scientist?  Poor Christian Slater and Stephen Dorff didn't fare much better.


Ben Affleck questioning his decision to act with then girlfriend Jennifer Lopez
3.  Gigli - This movie nearly destroyed both Ben Affleck's and Jennifer Lopez's careers.  Luckily for them, both have since found success.  Ben has been in great movies like The Town and Hollywood Land and Jennifer has done well on American Idol.  But some movies should never be thought of, let alone made. This is one of them.  Read the synopsis on IMDB.  I just can't do it justice.  Did you know that Halle Berry was originally going to act opposite Ben Affleck, but ended up dropping out?  Too bad she didn't demand a rewrite on Catwoman.

The most unappetizing picture in the bunch  (John Travolta and Forest Whitaker)
2.  Battlefield Earth - Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words.  John Travolta in dreadlocks? The brilliant and talented Forest Whitaker looks equally awful.  I like Barry Pepper, but even he couldn't save this movie.  Thankfully the film's poor performance killed any chance for a sequel.  This film certainly didn't do any favors to the church of scientology or L. Ron Hubbard's popularity in mainstream America.

And the worst movie I  have ever had the misfortune of watching is...

I'm sorry, but I couldn't decide on which one was worse.  Tied for the top spot is Fear Dot Com and Ballistic: Ecks v. Sever.
Stephen Dorff used to have such a promising career.  What happened?
1.  Tied - Fear Dot Com - This movie has been in my top 10 worst since I saw it.  I haven't seen anything bad enough to replace it.   The only movie with more plot holes is the one listed below.  Fear Dot Com came out in 2002 in direct competition with the The Ring.  Needless to say Fear Dot Com was poor competition for the smartly written The Ring.  Fear Dot Com was about a terror filled website that killed it's viewers.

Interesting concept, but the writers were so sloppy and the direction was so bad that this movie is simply known as a "hot mess."  In fact the writers were so sloppy that they didn't even do the simplest of research.  They wrote one of the female victims as a hemophiliac, which is highly improbable in females, as women have two X-chromosomes.  In fact, females are almost exclusively asymptomatic carriers of the disorder.  The disorder primarily occurs in men because men only have one X-chromosome.  Anywhoo, that's probably more science than you want to remember from the 5th grade and it's apparently more science than the screenwriters ever learned.  The movie is bad for many other reasons, but the sloppy writing was the main culprit.  Unfortunately for Stephen Dorff is in this movie too and thus is also in my top 10 worst list for the second time.

Lucy Liu in Antonio Banderas battle who gets to kill their agents first.
1.  Tied - Ballistic: Ecks v. Sever.  Never have I seen a movie make so little sense and I've seen a lot of movies.  The folks who put the trailer together for this film should be awarded a medal of valor.  They managed to make this movie look semi-decent.  The film itself was a disgrace to filmmaking and screenwriting, which is unfortunate considering the cast included Antonio Banderas, Lucy Liu, and the beautiful Talia Soto.  This film is so bad that it's director, Wych Kaosayananda, never worked again.

Lucy Liu
and Antonio play two dueling government agents. Lucy Liu's character likes to blow stuff up. Antonio Banderas is trying to make Lucy Liu stopping blowing stuff up. That's it. That's the plot. To top it off, somehow the bad guy faked the death of both Antonio Banderas and Talia Soto, who play a married couple. Amazing, the bad guy convinced each of them that the other wasn't alive for seven years.  Wouldn't they eventually see each other when they went home?  Or perhaps sell the house they lived in?  Run into a realtor?  I don't know, it made absolutely no sense.

Dishonorable mentions - video games
  • Dungeons & Dragons
  • Street Fighter
  • Doom
  • House of the Dead - another goodie from Uwe Boll. Uwe has the honor of gracing my list, not once but twice.  
Besides the Tombraider and Resident Evil franchises, which are my own personal guilty pleasures, most video game movies are awful.  However, the original Mortal Kombat was pretty awesome, but that's about it.

Dishonorable mentions - remakes

  • Piranha (2010 Remake) 
  • Fog (2005 Remake)
  • Godzilla (1998)
  • Planet of the Apes (2001) - Tim Burton version
  • Poseidon Adventure (2006)
  • Invasion (2007) - Remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers
  • Stepford Wives (2004)
  • House of Wax (2005) - Two words (Paris Hilton).
  • The Haunting (1999)
  • The Hitcher (2007)
  • Island of Dr. Moreau - (1996)
  • The Wicker Man (2006)

41 comments:

  1. We have many in common! Yes, killer house plants. Ooooh - scary! And no list is complete without an Uwe Boll movie.
    Thanks for participating in the blogfest!

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  2. OMG these are some stinkers. I think Uwe Boll did not make my list because everything he does a Grade Z mess and I try to block out the fact that he still makes movies. I love that you together a honorable and dishonorable list.

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  3. Love your dihonorable mentions!lol Yeah, this list pretty much hits the nail on the head. Glad to have discovered your blog!

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  4. how on Earth did I forget Batman and Robin? Actually I think I block it from my mind. Probably why I also forgot Chun Li and Johnny Mnemonic.

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  5. only a few tears here...
    :)
    i love bad/worst movies, these lists are tough!
    jeremy
    twothumbseightfingers.blogspot.com

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  6. I feel like I'm missing out. Out of all those, I've only seen Showgirls.

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  7. Lol! I've seen a few of these. You've got it down. Thanks for the warning list! ;)


    ♥.•*¨Elizabeth¨*•.♥

    Can Alex save Winter from the darkness that hunts her?

    YA Paranormal Romance, Darkspell coming fall of 2011!

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  8. Wasn't Elizabeth Berkeley on the TV show, Saved by the Bell? Her name sounds oddly familiar to me.

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  9. Battlefield Earth. Wow. Wow. They really made that?

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  10. Can't argue with any of these stinkers. I'd forgotten about Dreamcatcher! I wanted that movie to be so good and it was so bad.
    Another great King book that didn't transfer over well (much to my disappointment).

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  11. @Alex-- I'm sure we have a lot of the same ones. I can't wait to check your list out.

    @Melissa-- Yes, I have tried for many years to wish Uwe Boll out of existence, but it hasn't happened yet. I have however, stopped watching any of his movies, even on rainy saturday afternoons on cable. I'm excited to check your list out.

    @Creepy Query Girl- Thanks. I'm looking forward to checking out your blog as well!

    @Budd-- I think there are many we've blocked from my mind. I totally forgot about Johnny Mnemonic. I think we all could easily put together a list of 50-100 bad movies.

    @iZombie-- I agree that some bad movies have some redeeming features. Not these though. I'll have to check out your list.

    @Bonjour-- Ha, trust me you're not missing out.

    @Elizabeth-- Hi, thanks. I'll have to check out your new writings.

    @Jeffrey-- Yep, that's the girl. Elizabeth shocked many people when she took the Showgirls role. I'm sure she wishes she didn't.

    @Lydia-- Yep, unbelievable right? What were they thinking?

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  12. @Pat-- So true. I had high hopes for Dreamcatcher too. Yet another King book goes into the can.

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  13. I disagree with you on "Showgirls". I personally think it's actually a very good film, I say that completely without a hint of irony. It's not a so-bad-it's-good film or a guilty pleasure film for me. But actually a VERY GOOD film. I saw it as WONDERFULLY trashy wickedly funny (yes, I think the laughs are intentional) campy melodramatic soap opera. It's an imperfect film but it's not a cinematic abomination that most critics seem to deem it.

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  14. egads! the island of dr. moreau! that's blasphemy! :P

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  15. Mariah, your list of most-hated movies is actually my favorite!

    I disliked but didn't hated Dreamcatcher. Having said that, I remember I was deeply disappointed by it.

    I thought The Happening wasn't awful. Bad - yes, but not awuful.

    Haven't seen Glitter. Gigli, Show Girls and Battlefield Earth, and thanks God, I haven't.

    Both, Batman & Robin and Catwoman were terrible.

    Yay for the tie! Those two are definitely one of the worst I've seen. I'd add Alone in the Dark to that spot too.

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  16. Battlestar Earth is definitely the worst on your list. Terrible movie. :)

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  17. I have seen a lot of your choices on other lists. They must have been really bad.

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  18. Good list! The Happening bored me to death and the bat-nipples creeped me out.

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  19. Your list cracked me up. My list also had an Uwe Boll flick.

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  20. Hooray--I haven't seen any of these movies! :P

    Catwoman seems to be getting universal dislike.

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  21. Great "worst" movies. Sadly I've seen some of these and must agree.

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  22. @Film Geek-- Perhaps as a guy I could imagine that Showgirls is mildly appealing, but as a woman...yeah it's beyond redemption. :)

    @Vic-- Ha, I thought the remake was really bad. The original was still pretty good.

    @Nebular-- Thank you very much! Consider yourself lucky for never having sat through Glitter. Gigli, Show Girls, or Battlefield Earth. I can't wait to check your choices out.

    @Laila-- Yeah, perhaps the reason that didn't get #1 is b/c I don't remember most of it. I've effectively blocked it out of my memory.

    @Clarissa-- Ha, I've definitely seen a lot of repeats on other folks lists. I think some movies are universally bad.

    @ Christine-- The Happening was super boring. I can't believe any movie studio ever gave M. Night another dime to spend.

    @Isis-- I can't wait to check out your list. Any worst movies list needs at least one Uwe Boll flick.

    @Golden Eagle-- Ha, I wish I could say the same. I wanted to wash my eyes out after seeing some of these flicks.

    @RaShelle-- "Sadly" is right. If I could get all of the hours back in which I watched bad movies, I'd be 20 years old indefinitely.

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  23. I have seen many of your choices on other lists, so I'm thinking you did a great job! Thankfully, I have not seen most of these.

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  24. I was so hoping that Batman and Robin was going to be good since I had attended a party for distributors who were going to be selling the licensed product and knew people affiliated with the project. What a disappointment! They didn't even recapture the campiness of the old TV show and totally got away from the darker more successful versions that had preceded it.

    Lee
    Tossing It Out

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  25. Oh yes, those were some of the titles I nearly forgot that could have been on my list - Catwoman, Battlefield Earth, and many others. Thankfully I missed out on the killer houseplants.

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  26. yep, all those deserve to be on the list

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  27. Paul-- Ha, you're lucky you haven't seen most of these. They're atrocious.

    Arlee- So true. They really didn't capture the campiness. What they captured was something else entirely.

    Tyrean-- Yep, the killer houseplants was an experience.

    Babygirl32-- Ha, they certainly do.

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  28. Love the list--Showgirls is on mine as well. I must see Catwoman, it's been on so many lists today!

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  29. Battlefield Earth and Showgirls made quite a few lists - of course.

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  30. Very complete list! So many good bad movies!
    HMG

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  31. Showgirls and Battlefield Earth made almost everyone's list (mine included)! I've noticed The Happening has made a few lists as well. Glad I skipped it!

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  32. Wow, I think you win the award for most movies listed that are on other people's lists. That's an honor. It means you REALLY know what bad movies are!

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  33. YES -- you included Battlefield Earth!
    I have dwelled on the subject of this film many, many times.

    I am SOOO planning to come up with a Worst Movies of All Time list myself.

    Good picks.

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  34. It looks like Battlefield Earth and Gigli are topping most lists. :) Nice to meet you. I'm a new follower.

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  35. Julie-- Ha, I think Showgirls is on a lot of lists. Speaking as a woman that movie was atrocious. If I were a man, perhaps I'd feel differently.

    Tara-- Ha, I'm sure they did. I almost forgot about the travesty that was Battlefield Earth.

    Heather-- Thanks a bunch. Yep, I can't believe I've seen all of these stinkers.

    Jennie-- We must have similar tastes. Yep, I wish I would have skipped The Happening. I would have been much better for it. It was just ludicrous.

    Small Town Shelly Brown-- Ha, thanks. It probably just means I've been on my lazy butt and have seen way too many movies. :)

    Andrew-- Thanks a bunch. Yes, Battlefield Earth is a staple of any worst movies list.

    Ciara-- Hello, thank you very much. I'm looking forward to checking out your blog as well.

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  36. Its funny, the director of Batman and Robin actually apologized for killing the franchise at the time, he has my vote as most overrated director working today.

    I'd also add The Other Man (2008) to your worst list

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  37. Oh ew, Fear Dot Com, I remember that. Agree with every single one of the movies here that I've seen. Still not caught Catwoman, Showgirls or Glitter, but doubtless I'll hate those too.

    Tragically, I loved Dreamcatcher the first time I saw it. Not so now, honest!

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  38. When I saw Gigli I laughed because I was hoping it would be up there. Showgirls was kind of bad & waste of my life...And Catwoman outfit was very slutty, I was wondering what was up with that??

    But I kinda liked Dreamcatcher, I mean it had a pretty cool concept.

    And I barely remember Dear Dot Com but I wanted it to be good but I remember not caring for it!

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  39. I loved (past tense) M. Night. Shyamalan's movies, from The Sixth Sense to The Village but had never seen one in a theater. Woe to me, I picked The Happening as my first.

    Holy Cannoli, it wasn't even good enough for a made-for-TV movie. Horrible.

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